An Evolving Life

It’s over.I thought the Out Of the Darkness walk in NYC - my first - would be a tremendously moving experience for me. I thought I’d get caught up in the emotion of it all. I thought I’d walk in solemn silence for the parts of the trek I couldn’t keep up with my team (see afore-mentioned post about foot).

Have you ever planned a surprise outing with a special someone or friend, showed up at the door full of anxious exhilaration at how said someone would react and if the surprise would bear the anticipated fruit…but said someone wasn’t home? Have you ever stood on a stage addressing a large audience all the while trying to find that one someone’s face in the crowd because that’s who you really wanted to connect with…but said someone didn’t attend?

Well, the event that I had trained for was like that for me…Not exactly.

I was delighted to meet with my team captain and her family that’s for sure. Wish we had more time together. Instead my foot made me lag behind. Expected. And, they had to head back for Virginia - back home, to their pet dog of 15 years who had passed away overnight.

Normally I cry at emotionally charged events. This was one of them, true. But, I didn’t. Once upon a time I would have felt a twinge of guilt admitting that.

The President of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) gave an impassioned rallying call to all of us walkers / fund raisers / crew reminding us of why we were there and what our contribution to the event meant in the larger scope of things. A moving testimony was shared by a young mother who had lost two sons to mental illness. A number of walkers having lost children, spouses, military friends to suicide and having personally suffered from depression came and stood up front at the opening ceremony. All coming out of the dark shroud that suicide related stigmas produce.

I felt, well…

It’s not proper to walk on a bad foot you haven’t spoken to your Primary Care Physician about. Being proper isn’t my thing.

Cheered off from our starting point at a good pace, I fell behind my team a couple of miles past our first rest stop. I liked the looks of NYC in the sweltering heat. Fascinating. As the sun set, and I was about to cross the street close to our second rest stop, I had a new companion. A young City illustrator headed home from a day out at Governor’s Island…she saw the Out Of the Darkness messaging on my T-Shirt (I’m glad I had second thoughts about taking it off) and asked about it. Turns out someone had given her an AFSP brochure some months back which she had set aside for future consideration. It was the future. And, here she was considering.

We had a very pleasant time getting to know each other (and a few others along the way), taking in NYC by night, talking shop,…I made a new friend. She joined the walk. At about the 13 - 14 mile mark we both agreed - kaput.

I felt, connected. In the midst of a crowd of strangers I felt connected.

And, that’s a big deal. For a society that fragments life into compartments. For individuals who isolate the less superficial parts of themselves from influence. Succeeding at everything but themselves. Connected. At the core. A very big deal.

There’s nothing loony about trying to connect with yourself - on the outside, on the inside. Consciously.

There’s nothing comic about trying to connect with someone else. Unpretentiously. Meaningfully.

It’s worth the effort. The planning…the training. If you don’t abort, and you hit the right stride…you connect.

The Walk? It’s over.

The planning…the training…That starts again.

And, you connect with the face in the crowd…the person who answers the doorbell.

All things considered and taken in stride.

You find your pace. And, it’s your own.

Trackback URI | Comments RSS